This is my Facebook status today.

Dear Facebook friends

I love my privacy but I also know that just posting a statement on a page and thinking that Mr Zuckerberg and his lawyers haven’t considered every possible way to make sure they can use our data for their benefit is just naïve.

You see, I too clicked ‘I agree’ to the Facebook terms and conditions without reading them. Like you, I do this with every website I join or piece of software I install. For all I know I could have offered Adobe my house and Apple my children.

But back to Facebook and the stuff I need to get off my chest. I know that looking at a photograph, pressing 1 and ‘seeing something amazing happen’ is just the modern day version of chain letter, so stop it.

And really no one has thought of an amazing way to see who’s looking at your profile the most.

I also know that hospitals aren’t saving children’s lives based on the number of ‘likes’ they receive – think about it for just a second before you inanely click like button and continue the myth.

And guess what? I don’t know where you can find a purple jewel, mysterious broom or wise 100-year-old monkey called Kevin who holds the key to Aurubabong. So stop ‘inviting’ me to look for them for you.

At this point you may think I’m just being a grumpy pants. Nothing could be further from the truth. I love Facebook and enjoy reading your updates of the interesting and crazy things you do. I love reading where you are, films and shows you’ve seen and little snippets of what’s going on. That last sentence sounds sarcastic but it’s not – I really do! And I especially love the fact that post your photographs on FB so I can whizz through them as fast as my Wi-Fi will allow me.

In fact that’s one of the best bits. In the old days we had to sit in your lounge with a cup of tea whilst you explained every single picture to us. Now it’s click, click, click and literally 2 minutes later we feel like we’ve been on that holiday in Cancun too. Who would have thought I’d be claiming FB was a time saving device, but there you go.

I also love a good debate on Facebook. Even though I’m a bit wary when friends of friends join in. It’s like being at the pub having a lively chat when someone you don’t know comes over, sits at your table and says, “You’re wrong”. You can’t really have a go at them because they’re your mates’ mate, but at the same time you can’t help but think, how rude, get your own bloody table/timeline.

And if you need some help JUST ASK rather than trying to make us feel sorry for you or bad for us. Leaving a status like, ‘Why is it so hard?’, ‘No one understands anymore’ or ‘Don’t ask’, should really be left in your early teens. How about? ‘I’ve had a shit day at work. Any tips other than wine?’ Unless of course it IS just about the attention, because not enough people liked your last status made comments, then go for it! Be a Facebook drama queen/king on line, but please don’t be upset if I didn’t like or comment on your pity party.

Or you could get some attention by pointing out my/everyone’s spelling mistakes in this status too as I’m sure I’ve deliberately dropped a couple in there for you.

That’s it, rant over obviously it’s not about you it’s the other numpties. But if you are upset about this post then there’s a brilliant button at the top of my profile page where you can ‘Unfriend’ me. I will take it personally and probably feel the need to write a status hinting that I’m upset but not actually saying why. But obviously I won’t as I’ve got a hilarious video of a cute cat dancing that I need to share with you first.